You are a ScrumMaster, you hate your team and you want to give back what they did to you? Try these 10 things and you will be overwhelmed by the success ;)

  1. Be unaccessible for the team. Is the team self-organizing or not?
  2. Ignore their impediments they will vanish by itself
  3. Always schedule the Scrum meetings at different time and location. Your team loves suprises.
  4. Don’t protect your team.They are adults and don‘t need a babysitter anymore.
  5. Schedule the Scrum meetings as early or as late as possible.
  6. Lead the daily scrum by asking each team member the 3 questions and take notes
  7. Keep asking the team members to do things which are not planned for the current sprint
  8. Ignore any ideas from your team during the retrospective. You know best what to improve next.
  9. Always tell the team members what task to do next
  10. Be late, always.

You want to have slides for these items? Here you are:

Thanks to Robert Dempsey (@rdempsey) the talk is also available as video. Have fun.

Any other ideas on how to torture your team? Let me know.