10 things the Product Owner can do to drive the team crazy

Insanity
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It’ about time to give the Product Owner a chance to fight back. With the help of Heiko Weltin I created a list as a base for the revenge. I hope you’ll like it:

  1. Create your product backlog without any prioritization. In the end you need all of the features before you can bring the product to the market.
  2. Only create the headline of your user stories and don’t add any additional content, even if the team asks. You can’t prepare everything for the team.
  3. Only use two types of priorities: “Urgent” and “Can be done later”. Anything else would be a waste of time.
  4. Always promise release dates and scope to your customer without talking to your development team upfront. You are a skilled estimator.
  5. Always add one task to a user story that keeps the team from finishing it. The Definition Of Ready (DOR) is for wimps. Continue reading

10 things to drive your Product Owner crazy

Crazy
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It’s about time to nag the product owner, isn’t it. Fortunately, there are plenty ways to do this. To help you in your quest to do so I created a list of 10 proofed ways to drive your Product Owner crazy:

  1. Five minutes before the Sprint Review is the right time to tell your Product Owner that your team wasn’t able to finish anything. It is even more fun, if this was a planned release. Transparency is for milquetoasts.
  2. Don’t invite the Product Owner to any Scrum meeting. He is a chicken and you are the pigs, right.
  3. Ignore the Sprint backlog and work on the features you like the most. Who cares about the Product Owner’s vision?
  4. Assign all tasks that were created during your retrospective to your Product Owner. He is the root of all evil and responsible for all the problems in the project.
  5. Don’t attend the Sprint Review. You already know how your product looks like. Continue reading

10 things to wreck your retrospectives

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The new year has just started and it’s time for the next steps to rile your team mates. So let’s have a look at one of the activities in Scrum that can be easily sabotaged: the retrospective. Here are 10 proofed ways to wreck any retrospective:

  1. Keep the retrospective as short as possible. No need to invest too much time in this meaningless gathering.
  2. Only focus on negative events and ignore any positive things. This is the only valid path to improvement.
  3. Handle a retrospective as any other meeting. Sit around a table and just talk.
  4. Ignore the complexity of the system around you. There is always a cause and effect.
  5. Always use crappy material such as cheap post-its that easily fall from the walls or old pens that hardly write. Continue reading

10 more things a Scrum Master can do to drive the team crazy

Aaahhh!Now that the team is armed with new weapons, it is time to help the Scrum Master to fight back. If you didn’t read my first post on this topic have a look at the 10 things a Scrum Master can do to drive the team crazy blog post I wrote two years ago. Here we go:

  1. Get you own office, if possible in a different city or even country. Working at the same location as your team could be harmful.
  2. Count the number of finished tasks per team member and confront those lazy buggers with the obvious low performance.
  3. Try to restrict the communication with the team to Email only. You don’t want to hear their whiny voices.
  4. Don’t tell the team what you are working on. Transparency only applies to the rest of the team.
  5. Always cite the Scrum guide if members don’t stand to the Scrum rules. Continuous repetition will help raising the team’s understanding for this process. Continue reading

10 more things to drive your Scrum Master crazy

CrazyIt’s been a long time since I wrote “10 things to drive your Scrum Master crazy” and it’s about time to give you some new weapons. So, here they are:

  1. Hide the SM’s beloved moderation markers.
  2. Play on your smartphone during the (planning) meetings, as long as they are not talking about YOUR tasks.
  3. Always lament about the same things but don’t change anything.
  4. Keep blaming and finger pointing everyone else except yourself for all the problems, you are only a victim.
  5. Ignore all agile values as they don’t apply to you. Continue reading

agile, scrum, coaching, lean